you are not *that* special

Time and again, when we find ourselves in people trouble -- taking things personally, blowing them out of proportion, jumping to accusations, and burning bridges -- it's time to remind yourself: you're not that special.

It's one of my favorite mottos, as friends will attest, when I get asked if I agree that the "evidence" is all pointing to "they're out to get me" -- to which I answer, "Please. People are way too self-centered and egotistical to be concerned with how their actions are actually affecting you." In other words, you ain't that special.

And then I hear: Yeah, but this person completely ignored me today -- it must mean they're mad at me or don't like me. Oh, maybe because of something I said or did.

So what?! People have better things to do (or should anyway) than to think, "Oh, I'm totally going to ignore you on purpose, so that you'll know for sure that I hate you. Yeah, that'll show you." And guess what. You have better things to do than worry about than read into the minutest gestures you get from each person.

In any case, if someone were really to have a problem with you, then they should come right out and say it to your face. If they do have a problem, but don't take it up with you, then for goodness sake, don't make it your problem. The best thing to do is be yourself and carry on as usual. (Eye on the prize, eye on the prize.)

So say they do approach you about it. There are really only two ways it can play out.

Scenario A: The person (who is immature and unwise) is demeaning, critical, and out right rude with what they think and how they feel. They just want to make you feel bad about yourself. And possibly manipulate you into succumbing to their influence.

Don't fall for it. Their mind is made up and there is nothing you can do to appease them, that is, without succumbing. Just don't. Instead, thank them for the constructive criticism and feedback and say you will work on improving the matter, and be on your merry way. There is no need to waste your time or energy on this person. (That is, unless this is a very close person to you -- in which case you should be the person in Scenario B.)

Scenario B: The wise, mature person confronts you and is concerned (for your sake, not their own). They ask clarifying questions without accusing or jumping to conclusions. They want to understand if something they interpreted is really true or false, so they can clear the air and move on with life. They may provide sincere constructive criticism and true advice, but only because they don't want the same thing (mistake, miscommunication, etc.) to keep happening to you.

Listen to this person. Keep an open mind (and closed ego) to what they're saying and understand where they are coming from. Also ask clarifying questions. Reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other. And sincerely thank them for taking the time to reach out to you. They may not be so willing to the next time they see you making the same mistake over and over. When you've resolved the issue at hand, go home and think about how you can grow from this experience and become a wiser person. Make amends with yourself and others, as necessary.

I shouldn't be so cynical to insinuate that "you ain't that special" to anyone. It's not really true to the people who do really care about you. But let's face it, we're lucky if we have a handful of people like that in our lives. So that, for better or worse, pretty much puts everyone else in the you-ain't-that-special-to-them category. But that's okay, because that means you need to get over yourself and move on, too.